Wordless Wednesday

I'm making my mom a scrapbook with pictures of Morgan, and I'm kind of making a mess in the dining room!

Happy Birthday, Morgan

Today, January 17, 2011, would have been Morgan's 14th birthday.  She died exactly 3 weeks ago today, and I miss her every single day.  Happy Birthday, baby girl..... I love you!

Just breathe.......

This is what I need to keep telling myself.  I'm still a little emotional over Morgan.  I drove past her vet yesterday when I was picking up my lunch (it's literally right down the street from my office) and I started to tear up..... wondering if her body was still there, if they've sent her out for cremation already, etc.  I had a dream about her last night - not a bad dream.  I dreamt that I went to her vet with one of her toys and told them I wanted to lay it in her box with her so she wouldn't be alone - and in my dream, I saw her -  but it wasn't an upsetting dream.  Every night when I close my eyes, I try to keep the image of her laying in pain and crying out of my mind, but it's hard. 

We're leaving for California tomorrow.  That stresses me out.  I want to go - I want to get away and enjoy myself, but it's hard right now.  We're flying JetBlue - and we haven't been given seat assignments yet - we get them when we check in.  Which I am going to do exactly 24 hours ahead.  It's a 6 and a half hour flight, so we better be sitting together!  Not having my seat assignment scares the crap out of me.

Work is stressful.  I was supposed to have gotten a new assistant December 1st, but that was put on hold, so I'm sort of in limbo.  My old assistant was promoted a few months ago - and it's just been so hard without him.  He sits right next to me now - but everything has changed.  My new assistant is my boss's son, and it's just not working out the way I want it to, which is why we were going to switch things around.  Of course, that gets put on hold when I plan to be out of the office for a week. 

My old assistant went home to visit family in Connecticut for Christmas, and got stuck when they canceled the flights.  He flies in tonight to Tampa and then has to drive down here - so he won't be in at all this week.  He sent me a really nice e-mail though - basically telling me not to worry about things - that he'll take care of everything for me.  He's the best.  I was truly blessed to have gotten the chance to work with him for the past 4 years. 

I haven't packed anything.  I haven't even done laundry.  I don't even know if I have a suitcase that will hold everything.  I'm not even sure what I want to pack.  Packing really makes me jumpy.  I need to make a list. 

I realized this morning that I am almost out of my makeup.  My boyfriend has generously offered to stop by Sephora on his way home from work - granted I give him my makeup to take with him so he can hand it to someone and have them get him whatever it is I need.  Thank God for that - the nearest Sephora is about 20 minutes away and I just don't have that kind of time to spare today. 

I should be working - I have so much to catch up on, but no - I'm blogging.  I just need to breathe.  In, out, in, out, in, out.  Trying not to stress out is really hard for me.  I have to remember to call the hotels and the car rental place to confirm our reservations.  I feel like there is so much to do. 

Last night - around 11pm, I decided to pull down the Christmas tree and vacuum the whole house.  What a mission.  But it's done.  I didn't get to sleep until after 1am, but it's done.  I need to run to Target (again).  I was debating whether I should buy Dramamine - not for the flight to California, but for the red eye back.  I decided to buy it.  I can never get comfortable to fall asleep on a plane, but since I'm going to come into work the morning I get back, I need to rest.  I've only taken it once before - on a cruise - and not because of motion sickness - I took it because my friend got sea sick and took it and I was bored so I just wanted to fall asleep.  It worked like a charm, so I'm hoping it will have the same effect on the plane.  I didn't buy the Dramamine last night - so I'll have to run back tonight to get it.

It doesn't help that the weather report is still not looking so hot for our trip.  It's supposed to be sunny in San Francisco the first day, but then rain, rain, rain, rain, rain.  Fabulous!  Just what I wanted to hear.  But you know what - it's still a vacation, and I still need a break from my life, so it will be great no matter what.  THAT is what I keep tellnig myself as I try to keep breathing! 

Ahhhh - so much to do, so little time!

Thanks for the ride, Morgan, I LOVE YOU!

Tonight I had to say goodbye to my best friend.  I hope Morgan rests in peace - she will be loved and missed forever.  They literally had to drag her into the room on my old Strawberry Shortcake sleeping bag - and she was shaking and crying in pain.  She lifted her head to us - so I know she recognized us, but she couldn't hold her head up or wag her tail.  The vet told us they had to give her a mild sedative because when she originally woke up, she was thrashing and hurting herself.  It was quick and (hopefully) painless.  One of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  She's been my best friend since I was 16 years old - never judging me, and always there for me.  I think back now to all of the times I yelled at her or ignored her, and it breaks my heart.  I know she had a long, (mostly) healthy, and very happy life - and for that, I'm grateful.  She was treated better than most humans - that's just how my family rolls.  I'm upset, but at the same time, relieved that her suffering is over.  They say that when it's time to let them go, you just know - you can tell in the way they look at you - that they're ready.  She looked right into my eyes - but she couldn't wag her tail..... and I knew.  It was time.  Rest in peace, Morgan.  I will love you until the day I die. 

Not the merriest of Christmases

Literally as I was finishing my Christmas Eve post, I get a phone call from my dad.  They had just gotten home from the vet because Morgan - our almost 14 year old lab mix - had suffered a seizure.  A little back story on Morgan.... she came to us in early 2007 as a teeny, tiny baby.  I had grown up with 2 shih tzus.  Both had passed away when I was young.  My mother was so attached to them that my father swore up and down that we would never have another dog.  It was just too much.  For years, he kept true to his promise, until one night when he came home with little Morgan, in a shoe box.  Some dogs someone knew of had puppies - the mom was a brown mutt and the dad was a pure bread chocolate lab, and the result was 8 little black-lab-looking babies.  Morgan was one of the runts, and she was filled with worms.  A lady my dad knew from work, dropped her off on his desk and much to our surprise, he came home with her. 

Since day one, Morgan was a diva.  She runs our family.  She's the light of our lives, and she's spoiled rotten.  She's had her share of ups and downs.  For years, she's suffered from awful skin allergies - she used to visit a dog allergist for allergy shots twice a week.  Not so long ago, she got really sick - to the point where my parents thought she might die.  Somehow she had developed a liver infection and nobody could figure out where it had come from.  Ever since that incident a few years back, she's never really been the same.  Don't get me wrong, she's been healthy and happy, but it aged her.

Now that I don't live at home anymore, I've noticed the change, and it seems to have happened so quickly.  Her bright eyes have lost their lustre - although for being almost 14, she's in pretty good shape.  She can't hear as well, and she's definitely more clumsy.  She'll slip or trip and fall down and it's painful to watch.  I have such vivid memories of her running free in the back yard, leaping in the air to catch frisbees and balls.... digging huge trenches in the dirt..... and sunning herself in a warm patch of the grass.  Those days have long since passed, and now she mostly rests.  A few months back - early October, my parents got worried and thought she had suffered a stroke.  Her head was tilting to one side, she couldn't eat, and she kept falling down.  They took her to the vet where she was diagnosed as having Canine Vestibular Syndrome - aka Vertigo.  Oddly enough, my dad suffers from Vertigo, and Morgan was perscribed the same medication as my dad.  2 weeks later, she she was back to her old self again - except for the slight head tilt that never went away (which apparently, is normal). 

On Christmas Eve morning, while laying in bed, she had a seizure.  She had never suffered a seizure before.  Back to the vet.  They were perscribed some additional medication to give her if it happened again, but were warned that if she had another seizure that lasted for 5 or more minutes, they would need to rush her to the emergency vet.  Because she had no history of seizures, they basically ruled out epilepsy.  She has had some fatty growths on her body that haven't caused her any trouble, so they ran bloodwork and did a body scan.  Her bloodwork came back normal, and her scan showed no tumors or malignant lumps.  Their only other option at this point, is an MRI.  My parents have decided against it - they can't put Morgan under to run this test..... and for what?  To find out that she has a brain tumor?  She's too old to undergo surgery. 

The last time I saw her was Christmas Eve night.  We went over (minus Bailey) and she was walking around, stumbling every so often.  She wasn't her usual self.  She was more anxious than normal and kept backing herself into corners and behind furniture. 

Yesterday morning - Christmas morning - as we were getting ready to head over - I got another phone call from my dad.  They were at the emergency vet.  Morgan had not suffered another seizure, but she could no longer stand up or eat.  The emergency vet agreed to hold her and monitor her until Monday morning when her regular vet reopened to finish up the tests.  There's nothing harder than knowing that your best friend is coming to the end of her journey on this earth.  It's harder because she's a dog, and she can't tell you what's going on and at the end of the day, the decision lies with you. 

We went over yesterday, went through the motions, opened presents - except for the 2 gift bags that are still sitting under my parents' Christmas tree for Morgan.  As if that wasn't enough, my uncle's 6 year old Golden Retreiver got sick on Christmas Eve.  He kept throwing up and couldn't settle down and get comfortable.  On Christmas morning, they took him to their emergency vet, and he passed away a few minutes later.  They think he had a stomach tumor that nobody knew about, and it had ruptured.  So their family - my aunt, uncle, and 3 cousins, were all hysterical too.  Worst.Christmas.Ever.

I'm really beginning to hate my phone..... this morning I was woken up by my mom who called to tell me that the vet said Morgan was stable and could come home.  But if she did, they'd have to keep her confined to one room and not let her get up - as her back legs cannot support her.  My mom desperately wants Morgan to come home, but my dad thinks she should stay there until Monday morning.  They're keeping her sedated and he thinks it would be easier to pick her up while she's sedated and transport her to the other vet.  If she comes home, she'll be hard to control.  She's not an easy going dog, and we know she will try to run and jump and my dad worries that it would be too much for her to handle and doesn't want to put her under any undue stress. 

It kills me to know that she's at the vet, all by herself, without any of her toys or anything to comfort her...... and as much as I want her to come home and be with us, I am leaning towards agreeing with my dad on this one.  I do miss her - and I want her to come home and I want to take pictures with her and lay with her and comfort her..... it might be one of the last times we get to spend with her, but then I think that I'm being selfish and it might not be the best thing for HER.  The last thing I want is to get her all wound up and have her end up hurting herself. 

I'm crying as I type this because I know that decisions are going to have to be made sooner rather than later.  It's selfish to keep her alive for our own personal reasons, and I know sometimes it's better to let them go, but it's just so hard.  I leave in 5 days for our trip to California and Bailey is supposed to stay with my parents, and now I'm worried that if Morgan comes home it will be too much for them to handle.  I'm so torn I am driving myself crazy. 

Morgan's a fighter - she's lived almost 14 years (she'd be 14 on January 17th).  She's a strong girl - she's fought back from numerous illnesses and setbacks over her lifetime.  I know she's tired, but I don't know if she's ready to rest yet - and that kills me inside. 

I know this has been a long, depressing post, but I'm sitting here, by myself, and I can't think of anything else. 

Here's a little peek at Morgan's life so far.  It's been a fun and beautiful journey, and I'm glad I was along for the ride! 

This was the last picture taken of me and Morgan together - this past October.