Friday, February 12, 2010

Dear Lady Gaga....

We need to talk.  I don't get you, and dare I say, I'm probably not alone.  What's with the outfits and the creepy persona?  We've seen it all before - and we've seen it better.  For starters, you're not a starving artist, you rocketed to the top of the charts at the tender age of 23, and you'll probably never know what it's like to struggle to make something of your life... so stop acting so eremitic at every event you're asked to attend.  You should be grateful, so suck it up and start acting like a human being instead of a circus side show act. 

Might I remind you, despite what you may think, you sing POP music.  And not only is it pop, it's dance music.  Your tunes are on thousands of bar mitzvah d.j.'s playlists, and nerdy 13 year olds everywhere go crazy when "Poker Face" blasts through the speakers in their middle school cafeteria during their Spring Fling

Kylie Minogue mastered that genre more than decade before you, and she was super cute and likable.  She didn't pretend to be something she's not - her music was corny and shallow just like yours, and it worked for her.  Amazingly, nobody ever thought she was a man either (I wonder why), so maybe you should take down some notes from her on how to dispel those nasty rumors.  Embrase your corny music, but please stop acting like you're God's gift to songwriting.

Let's move on to Björk.  You're not her, so get out of her reject closet.  Until you rock dead poultry as a dress, you will never have the type of shock-potential she is capable of.  Stop trying.  It's just awkward and flat out ugly - but not dead-swan ugly - that was just genius!

Next up... Cher.  Leave her headdresses alone.  Don't try to compete, because Cher will always win!  She's about 168 years old and she looks better than most teenagers I've seen.  And unless you're BFFs with her plastic surgeon and he'll fix you up like he did her, stop gluing shit to your face.  It's bad for your skin and it clogs pores, and I don't want to see you go down the road Jessica Simpson and Avril Lavigne did (and don't even get me started on Katy Perry) and start peddling Proactiv solution on TV at night during all the "after-hour television" programming once your career hits rock bottom.  But I digress...... where were we?  Oh yes, Cher - you'll never garner the same amount of attention she gets from heterosexual sailors, although you are high up on the totem pole of women (98% sure) the gays adore, and you don't even have a lesbian-turned-man daughter named Chastity/Chaz.  So props for that achievement. 

In closing, please lose the gimmicks, the costumes, the self-righteous-attitude, and the general ridiculousness because quite frankly, I want to punch you in the face.  Kylie, Björk, and Cher all did it WAY better than you.  You're not shiny or new..... so come up with your own niche and stop being such a copy cat.  I could go on and on, but I'm tired, and I'm pretty sure you catch my drift.

Regards,
Snitz

P.S. - Not even gonna lie - I jam to some rah-rah-ah-ah-ah, roma, roma-ma, gaga oh-la-la - so my advice comes from a good place.  Shape up, Lady Gaga.... before you ship out (hopefully not with Cher and her sailors at the helm).

Thursday, February 11, 2010

GYM should be a 4 letter word!

If you know me, it's no secret that I hate the gym.  Scratch that.  I despise the gym.  Don't know why, I just do.  Yet, I pay $29 a month to be a member of 24 Hour Fitness - and believe it or not, they don't even have one of those cards to go on your key chain so I can flash it around and try to show off like all the losers that pay $35 a month to be a member of L.A. Fitness.  How do I know this, you ask?  Because I used to pay $35 a month to go to L.A. Fitness - even though it was 20 minutes from my house (therefore making it much to far for me to actually waste my time with) - and I had one of those super cool key chain cards to show off with. 

When I quit L.A. Fitness - which was no easy task, let me tell you, I vowed to never join another gym unless it was 24 Hour Fitness and only because it is literally right across the street from my house.  I could walk there.  I don't.  But I could if I wasn't lazy.  Luckily for me, memberships at 24 Hour Fitness were ridiculously priced - something like a $549 down payment and $55 per month.  SO.NOT.HAPPENING.

Well - as luck would have it - I learned they were running some kind of ridiculous special - $29 down, $29 per month - no contract.  Needless to say, my boyfriend and I have now been proud members of 24 Hour Fitness for the past several years.  We used to go to the gym all the time.  Together.  We'd start with cardio, and then he'd force me to do weights with him which is just so embarrassing for some reason.  Probably because in order for me to lift anything over 8 lbs, shaky arms are involved - which is sooooo E-M-B-A-R-R-A-S-S-I-N-G.  I even went to the gym by myself (like once or twice).  On those instances - or on days where I just said NO to weights, I would do the elliptical for an hour straight.  Just me and my iPod - more on my relationship with my iPod in a later post. 

Then I took up spinning at my gym.  It sucked at first - there's no way to sugar coat it.  My crotch felt like it was bruised and swollen.  But eventually you get used to it and it doesn't hurt (which is slightly concerning/alarming at the same time).  I ditched my traditional workouts for spinning twice a week.  I left each class sweaty and disgusting, but I felt good.  Try as I might to lie, it worked.  I felt better about myself, I had more energy, I even ate a better diet because I hated the idea of eating a bunch of crap food after I just busted my ass for an hour to burn off those calories.  I would spin every Tuesday & Thursday night, but then found a trainer I liked better and would go every Wednesday and Friday (yeah Friday - I'm a loser, what can I say).  I even hit up some Monday classes and an occasional Thursday.  I was bad ass.  And I felt good.  I noticed a vast improvement in my physique: my legs felt stronger and tighter, and I liked how my clothes fit me.  Blah blah blah.....

Then we got a puppy and my exercising took a back seat.  I felt bad about leaving her at home so I started cutting my Friday spin class and only went on Wednesdays.  I still felt good though.  Not as good, but not noticeably different.  Somewhere around Thanksgiving I got a little lazy.  I remember going to class on Wednesday night before Thanksgiving, but I can't tell you if I went at any point in the month of December.  On the Sunday after Christmas this year, my boyfriend and 2 of our friends went mountain biking together, and I may or may not have fallen on the warm up trail and slammed my knee into a rock.  And said knee may or may not have bled, bruised, and swelled to twice it's normal size, and may or may not have been excruciatingly painful for weeks.  I'm neither confirming nor denying the incident, I'm just saying..... busted knee = NO SPINNING!

My boyfriend's been bugging me to get back into the gym, but now that it's been almost 3 months, I just don't want to go.  No desire.  Instead I loaded my freezer full of Lean Cuisines that taste about as yummy as the box they are packaged in.  (I briefly contemplated picking up an eating disorder to drop a few pounds, which.... no.  I love food too much to be anorexic and I hate throwing up, so bulimia was out).  The truth is, I don't feel so good anymore.  I feel jiggly and pudgy.  I hate the way my clothes look on me (not to mention how they feel - I've never had a muffin top, but lately I've been dangerously flirting with acquiring one) and I refuse to buy new clothes because I don't want to encourage this new body to stick around.  I got on the scale the other day and saw a number I've NEVER seen before.  NEVER IN MY LIFE.  But still..... I don't want to go to the gym.  I feel like I have to lose weight BEFORE I go back.  I don't know why - it's a vanity issue I assume...... but it's the cold hard truth.  It's kind of like those people who tidy up their house before they have a professional come to clean.  Or people who self tan before a vacation at the beach (yes, I do that too - shut up). 

The moral of the story is - the gym SUCKS, but if I ever want to feel better about how I look, I need to get my ass in check and get back in there.  As much as I complain about everything gym related - the smell, the people, the confusing machines, etc., it's really not THAT bad...... once you get back into your grooooooooooove.  I just need to find my groove............. wish me luck!

Sunday, February 7, 2010