Dear Lady Gaga....

We need to talk.  I don't get you, and dare I say, I'm probably not alone.  What's with the outfits and the creepy persona?  We've seen it all before - and we've seen it better.  For starters, you're not a starving artist, you rocketed to the top of the charts at the tender age of 23, and you'll probably never know what it's like to struggle to make something of your life... so stop acting so eremitic at every event you're asked to attend.  You should be grateful, so suck it up and start acting like a human being instead of a circus side show act. 

Might I remind you, despite what you may think, you sing POP music.  And not only is it pop, it's dance music.  Your tunes are on thousands of bar mitzvah d.j.'s playlists, and nerdy 13 year olds everywhere go crazy when "Poker Face" blasts through the speakers in their middle school cafeteria during their Spring Fling. 

Kylie Minogue mastered that genre more than decade before you, and she was super cute and likable.  She didn't pretend to be something she's not - her music was corny and shallow just like yours, and it worked for her.  Amazingly, nobody ever thought she was a man either (I wonder why), so maybe you should take down some notes from her on how to dispel those nasty rumors.  Embrase your corny music, but please stop acting like you're God's gift to songwriting.

Let's move on to Björk.  You're not her, so get out of her reject closet.  Until you rock dead poultry as a dress, you will never have the type of shock-potential she is capable of.  Stop trying.  It's just awkward and flat out ugly - but not dead-swan ugly - that was just genius!

Next up... Cher.  Leave her headdresses alone.  Don't try to compete, because Cher will always win!  She's about 168 years old and she looks better than most teenagers I've seen.  And unless you're BFFs with her plastic surgeon and he'll fix you up like he did her, stop gluing shit to your face.  It's bad for your skin and it clogs pores, and I don't want to see you go down the road Jessica Simpson and Avril Lavigne did (and don't even get me started on Katy Perry) and start peddling Proactiv solution on TV at night during all the "after-hour television" programming once your career hits rock bottom.  But I digress...... where were we?  Oh yes, Cher - you'll never garner the same amount of attention she gets from heterosexual sailors, although you are high up on the totem pole of women (98% sure) the gays adore, and you don't even have a lesbian-turned-man daughter named Chastity/Chaz.  So props for that achievement. 

In closing, please lose the gimmicks, the costumes, the self-righteous-attitude, and the general ridiculousness because quite frankly, I want to punch you in the face.  Kylie, Björk, and Cher all did it WAY better than you.  You're not shiny or new..... so come up with your own niche and stop being such a copy cat.  I could go on and on, but I'm tired, and I'm pretty sure you catch my drift.

Regards,
Snitz

P.S. - Not even gonna lie - I jam to some rah-rah-ah-ah-ah, roma, roma-ma, gaga oh-la-la - so my advice comes from a good place.  Shape up, Lady Gaga.... before you ship out (hopefully not with Cher and her sailors at the helm).