Never Afraid To Say...: Not the merriest of Christmases

Literally as I was finishing my Christmas Eve post, I get a phone call from my dad. They had just gotten home from the vet because Morgan - our almost 14 year old lab mix - had suffered a seizure. A little back story on Morgan.... she came to us in early 2007 as a teeny, tiny baby. I had grown up with 2 shih tzus. Both had passed away when I was young. My mother was so attached to them that my father swore up and down that we would never have another dog. It was just too much. For years, he kept true to his promise, until one night when he came home with little Morgan, in a shoe box. Some dogs someone knew of had puppies - the mom was a brown mutt and the dad was a pure bread chocolate lab, and the result was 8 little black-lab-looking babies. Morgan was one of the runts, and she was filled with worms. A lady my dad knew from work, dropped her off on his desk and much to our surprise, he came home with her.

Since day one, Morgan was a diva. She runs our family. She's the light of our lives, and she's spoiled rotten. She's had her share of ups and downs. For years, she's suffered from awful skin allergies - she used to visit a dog allergist for allergy shots twice a week. Not so long ago, she got really sick - to the point where my parents thought she might die. Somehow she had developed a liver infection and nobody could figure out where it had come from. Ever since that incident a few years back, she's never really been the same. Don't get me wrong, she's been healthy and happy, but it aged her.

Now that I don't live at home anymore, I've noticed the change, and it seems to have happened so quickly. Her bright eyes have lost their lustre - although for being almost 14, she's in pretty good shape. She can't hear as well, and she's definitely more clumsy. She'll slip or trip and fall down and it's painful to watch. I have such vivid memories of her running free in the back yard, leaping in the air to catch frisbees and balls.... digging huge trenches in the dirt..... and sunning herself in a warm patch of the grass. Those days have long since passed, and now she mostly rests. A few months back - early October, my parents got worried and thought she had suffered a stroke. Her head was tilting to one side, she couldn't eat, and she kept falling down. They took her to the vet where she was diagnosed as having Canine Vestibular Syndrome - aka Vertigo. Oddly enough, my dad suffers from Vertigo, and Morgan was perscribed the same medication as my dad. 2 weeks later, she she was back to her old self again - except for the slight head tilt that never went away (which apparently, is normal).

On Christmas Eve morning, while laying in bed, she had a seizure. She had never suffered a seizure before. Back to the vet. They were perscribed some additional medication to give her if it happened again, but were warned that if she had another seizure that lasted for 5 or more minutes, they would need to rush her to the emergency vet. Because she had no history of seizures, they basically ruled out epilepsy. She has had some fatty growths on her body that haven't caused her any trouble, so they ran bloodwork and did a body scan. Her bloodwork came back normal, and her scan showed no tumors or malignant lumps. Their only other option at this point, is an MRI. My parents have decided against it - they can't put Morgan under to run this test..... and for what? To find out that she has a brain tumor? She's too old to undergo surgery.

The last time I saw her was Christmas Eve night. We went over (minus Bailey) and she was walking around, stumbling every so often. She wasn't her usual self. She was more anxious than normal and kept backing herself into corners and behind furniture.

Yesterday morning - Christmas morning - as we were getting ready to head over - I got another phone call from my dad. They were at the emergency vet. Morgan had not suffered another seizure, but she could no longer stand up or eat. The emergency vet agreed to hold her and monitor her until Monday morning when her regular vet reopened to finish up the tests. There's nothing harder than knowing that your best friend is coming to the end of her journey on this earth. It's harder because she's a dog, and she can't tell you what's going on and at the end of the day, the decision lies with you.

We went over yesterday, went through the motions, opened presents - except for the 2 gift bags that are still sitting under my parents' Christmas tree for Morgan. As if that wasn't enough, my uncle's 6 year old Golden Retreiver got sick on Christmas Eve. He kept throwing up and couldn't settle down and get comfortable. On Christmas morning, they took him to their emergency vet, and he passed away a few minutes later. They think he had a stomach tumor that nobody knew about, and it had ruptured. So their family - my aunt, uncle, and 3 cousins, were all hysterical too. Worst.Christmas.Ever.

I'm really beginning to hate my phone..... this morning I was woken up by my mom who called to tell me that the vet said Morgan was stable and could come home. But if she did, they'd have to keep her confined to one room and not let her get up - as her back legs cannot support her. My mom desperately wants Morgan to come home, but my dad thinks she should stay there until Monday morning. They're keeping her sedated and he thinks it would be easier to pick her up while she's sedated and transport her to the other vet. If she comes home, she'll be hard to control. She's not an easy going dog, and we know she will try to run and jump and my dad worries that it would be too much for her to handle and doesn't want to put her under any undue stress.

It kills me to know that she's at the vet, all by herself, without any of her toys or anything to comfort her...... and as much as I want her to come home and be with us, I am leaning towards agreeing with my dad on this one. I do miss her - and I want her to come home and I want to take pictures with her and lay with her and comfort her..... it might be one of the last times we get to spend with her, but then I think that I'm being selfish and it might not be the best thing for HER. The last thing I want is to get her all wound up and have her end up hurting herself.

I'm crying as I type this because I know that decisions are going to have to be made sooner rather than later. It's selfish to keep her alive for our own personal reasons, and I know sometimes it's better to let them go, but it's just so hard. I leave in 5 days for our trip to California and Bailey is supposed to stay with my parents, and now I'm worried that if Morgan comes home it will be too much for them to handle. I'm so torn I am driving myself crazy.

Morgan's a fighter - she's lived almost 14 years (she'd be 14 on January 17th). She's a strong girl - she's fought back from numerous illnesses and setbacks over her lifetime. I know she's tired, but I don't know if she's ready to rest yet - and that kills me inside.

I know this has been a long, depressing post, but I'm sitting here, by myself, and I can't think of anything else.

Here's a little peek at Morgan's life so far. It's been a fun and beautiful journey, and I'm glad I was along for the ride!